Spot Anthony in “Here Comes the Boom”

I’m excited to announce the launch of my new contest: “Spot Anthony in ‘Here Comes the Boom.'”

As you’re probably aware, I was an extra in the soon to be released Kevin James film. The first person to spot me in my scene (or scenes(?)) can send me a Facebook message through my fan page detailing exactly where I am in the movie and win a bevy of prizes, including:

One (1) signed headshot
One (1) retweet of one of your tweets to my 270 followers
I will change my Facebook profile picture to a picture of the two of us for one (1) day

You get all that if you can spot this guy:
The movie opens October 12, and the contest will begin then. Tell your friends. Thanks!

Some Jokes about Super Mario

For those unfamiliar with the “Super Mario Brothers Super Show,” it was a half hour commercial for a video game disguised as a TV series. Most episodes followed the same premise: King Koopa does something evil that is also a parody of something from pop culture, the Mario Brothers fight him, he runs away, and kids’ brains melt just a little bit more. It was on the air for a mind-numbing 65 episodes before being canceled.

Almost every episode featured some “Koopa”-related pun that drove the plot forward. Sometimes the puns worked great (“RoboKoopa” (Also, why did the writers think a parody of an R-Rated movie would be a ripe target for a children’s cartoon?)). Other times, they were more of a stretch (Darth Koopa (Did they even try on that one?)). In case Nintendo is interested in producing more episodes for the series, I’ve saved the writers some work here, compiling a list of Koopa-related puns.

Alice Koopa: King Koopa starts a rock band with the expressed purpose of corrupting the youth of the Mushroom Kingdom. When the Mario Brothers attempt to stop Koopa and his devil music, the Mushroom children quickly reject their former saviors as old fogies who can’t understand youth culture and use expressions like “old fogies.” Koopa is ultimately undone by the excesses of fame and the pressures of constantly having to one-up the shock value of his live performances.

Francis Ford Koopala: After directing the critically acclaimed hit film “The Koopfather,” King Koopa embarks on a far more ambitious film titled “ApoKoopalypse Now.” He casts Mario in the lead, with Luigi in Dennis Hopper’s role, and unbeknownst to them, uses real, bloodthirsty Koopa Troopas as the enemy combatants. The stress from producing the film, however, slowly drives King Koopa to a nervous breakdown. He takes off into the jungles, where he becomes a bloated god-figure to the Koopas and Lakitu.

Sterling-Koopa-Draper-Pryce: King Koopa starts an advertising firm with the sole purpose of starting a smear campaign against the Mario Brothers, but ends up succumbing to his own inner demons, which include alcoholism, womanizing and the fractured quest for his own identity.

C. Everett Koopa: King Koopa is named Surgeon General and immediately outlaws the use of Fire Flowers, Stars and Frog Suits on the grounds that they are potentially cancer-causing. He also grows a stylish, Civil War style beard and begins wearing bow-ties. His plan backfires, however, when their new “outlaw” status only makes them more popular.

Hanging With Mr. Koopa: King Koopa begins writing, directing, producing and starring in his own 90s sitcom, “Hanging with Mr. Koopa,” based in part on his stand-up act. Koopa becomes so focused on producing the series that he forgets exactly what role it would have played in his overall scheme to kill the Mario Brothers, or kidnap the princess, or whatever it was that he planned on doing. The show is a hit with audiences and is on the air for five years.

Koop Your Enthusiasm: In this episode, Koopa is a successful comedy writer living in L.A. with his wife, played by Cheryl Hines. He doesn’t so much scheme against the Mario Brothers as accidentally set in a motion a series of faux pas that lead to embarrassment and awkward situations for all involved. Also, for some reason, Koopa is Jewish in this episode.

If anyone is interested in buying a copy of my novel, “The King of All Koopa Puns,” send me a message, and I’ll begin writing it.

Musings on Watson

I can’t stop thinking about Watson, the terrifying, Jeopardy-dominating, apocalyptic computer designed by IBM. But conquering the soft, squishy humans on Jeopardy was really only the first step for Watson.

Watson’s true test will be whether or not he’ll be able to parlay his fame for years to come or will he simply fade into oblivion, like so many other would-be celebrity robots. The IBM scientists that built the creepy computer need to strike now, while the iron is still hot, or possibly forfeit their fifteen minutes of fame. To save them time, and provide some inspiration, I’ve put together a short list of reality TV vehicles that would be perfect for Watson.

And if anyone in Hollywood is reading, I’m more than happy to discuss these titles. My only demand is to share co-executive producer credit with Watson.

Watson: The simplest option. A docu-drama/reality TV show that gives a backstage look at the life of Watson. Episodes could focus on issues like how Watson’s inner workings function, or the fact that the IBM scientists are thinly veiled show biz parents, forcing their robo-child into a life of performance, when he would be much happier staying in and playing a game of Minesweeper.

RAM of Love: This single-camera reality show would place Watson in a mansion, along with ten to twenty other single computers. It would cast Watson as “a lonely computer looking for the female-end to his USB port.”

Keeping Up With the Memory Cardashians: A series chronicling the misadventures of Watson and his sister computers. Also featuring Bruce Jenner.

Internet Pawn: In this proposed show, Watson owns a pawn-shop, using his vast trivia database to accurately price items brought in by people and then low-ball them. Unfortunately, because the title is a pun, it runs the risk of slowly driving Watson insane, ending with a killing spree.

American Idol: Instead of the celebrities or whatever they have judging, they could simply replace them with a cold, efficient computer system. Imagine Watson sitting beside Ellen DeGeneres and Howard Stern and whoever else is a judge, scientifically explaining why each contestant lacks charisma or sings sharp.

Jersey Shore-Bot: Watson, along with a group of other young guido-bots, rents a house on the Jersey Shore, which leads to long nights of drinking, downloading systems from other computers without protection, and going into hot tubs (which is just as dangerous for a computer).

Real Housewives of IBM: Alright, I’ll be honest. I’ve never seen a TV show that begins with “Real Housewives,” so I don’t actually know what goes on during these shows. But the idea of a talking computer on anything is funny to me.